Highway to Heart Attack

Much of the country still does not have In N’ Out Burger, but for the unaware, it is a fast food burger joint around much of the Western United States.  One of the cult appeals of In N’ Out, other than the tasty burgers, is a gimmick they employ that allows you to order secret combos that are not listed on the menu.  If you order a burger, you’ll get just that.  But if you order it “animal style”, for example, it will show up smothered and dripping with extra toppings.

But while many of us may not have access to an In N’ Out where we live, other national chains have picked up on the secret menu idea.  Did you know that if you walk in to a Wendy’s and ask for a “Grand Slam”, you’ll get a sandwich with four burger patties on it?  Stroll into a Burger King and ask for a “Suicide Burger”, and you’ll get a sandwich with four patties, four slices of cheese, bacon and sauce.  And at the granddaddy of them all, if you drop into your local McDonald’s and ask for a “Monster Mac” in lieu of your regular Big Mac, you’ll get a sandwich with a rocking eight (yes eight) burger patties.

After a career in marketing and sales, I found this strategy quite intriguing.  But after a little research, the true motivation was not hard to figure out.  It’s pretty obvious that terrorist organizations, through secret influence on our fast food franchises, are seeking to bankrupt our country by driving a crippling dependency on interventional cardiology.  Our reliance on foreign oil pales in comparison.  Why invade a foreign land to fuel my eight gallon-per-mile Hummer when I’m dead from a heart attack?

I called the American College of Cardiologists, which represents the sector of our economy that stands to profit the most from this nefarious scheme.  I spoke to their head of public relations, but the conversation was quickly terminated with, “He’s on to us, hang up!”  I then called the Association of College Cardiologists, but the person only yelled “Wrong number, prank call, prank call!” before ditching me.  Their number has since been disconnected.  Finally, I lobbed in a call to Adam Yahiye Gadahn, spokesperson for Al Qaeda, and was simply told, “Just because we are crazy doesn’t make us stupid.  The planning behind 9/11 was insane, but it turns out that all we need to do is offer you bacon with cheese, and you Americans will just kill yourselves.  Besides, if we kill you slowly, it’s called ‘torture’, and my PR job is one big headache.  But if you do it yourselves, it’s called a ‘value meal’, and I can leave work by 3.”

Of course, none of those aforementioned phone calls ever happened.  Mr. Gadahn’s representatives won’t even text me back.  But what other reason could there be to offer people eight patties when a regular Big Mac already has two patties, 540 calories and 50% of the recommended daily allowance of saturated fat?  Maybe if you have three kids with you can order one of those Monsters (their name, not mine), but I often do have three kids with me and still would not consider it.  And I eat like shit.

So the next time you think about ordering your Caesar salad “southern style” (deep fried in peanut oil), or your vegan burger with “wishful thinking” (wrapped in a pound of bacon), take a step back.  While neither of those options exists as far as I know, the ones I described above do.  Please order responsibly, and remember that doing otherwise may not only shorten your life but may very well compromise our national security.  Eat wisely, and God bless America.